starry night

Tonight is one of those lay on a blanket and watch the stars kind of night.

Stars are easy to take for granted when they're visible night after night. You go about your business, knowing they are there, but for whatever reason, you don't look up. You are content with that feeling of knowing they are there - twinkling, falling, doing whatever they do in their lifetimes. Life on this Earth keeps the gaze level.

Stars aren't always visible in certain parts of the world. Cities especially have so much artificial light of their own, shielding all those city dwellers from the magnificence of stars. Suddenly, you realize much time has passed without having seen those stars. Constellations forgotten. Galaxies of stars spinning around some force unknown to us all. So much happening, and tons of people don't get to see it. Do they know what they're missing?

Sometimes I revel in the fact that now I can see the stars, after years of going about the everyday, not knowing what I've subconsciously missed. I wonder if they knew I'd inevitably look upward into the sky again, as semi-conscious about me as I'd been about them. I take this moment in, this chance to stop and breathe. This chance to stop running and just be. Here with the stars.

Just here.

knowing me, knowing you

Know yourself.

When I was a teenager, I was always reading tons of "hippy-dippy" books from the self-help section of bookstores, in an effort to really understand myself as a person more. I was a confused kid with the weight of a lot of things on my shoulders, and it only made sense to look for answers somewhere. I'd drive 45 minutes north to the Borders bookstore just to sit for an hour or two on the floor and try to find a book that held some amazing truth.

I came across a book once that had a chapter titled "Know Yourself." For whatever reason, it stood out to me at the time. I wrote it down when I got home on a sheet of paper and tacked it to the wall. Most of the time, that piece of paper was easily forgotten, but occasionally I would see it and read it once more, taking in the words and thinking about what they really meant - thinking about what they really meant to me.

Now, many years later, I still find myself repeating those words in my head, sometimes consciously and sometimes subconsciously. Know yourself. It sounds simple enough, but there are times when the simple act of knowing yourself helps you gain clarity when you most need it.

I know my strengths, and I know my weaknesses. When I'm striving for something great, the act of knowing I'm persistent and brave can be all I need to push myself further toward achievement. And when I'm feeling less than okay (knowing that I'm human and have limitations), being self aware of myself helps give permission to just live in the funk for a little while and know that it will soon pass. I know myself, and it makes all the difference.

room to grow

We're constantly evolving. I like that about us.

I have friends who are all in states of transition. Who we become sometimes means we say goodbye to the older versions of ourselves. It's difficult because in some cases, it may take a lot of time to fully accept this within ourselves. I have friends who are making changes - big changes - but still expect things to be like they were. I never know what to say to this. I don't want to bullshit them and say that they can have it both ways because most of the time, you can't. As a friend, what do you say, if anything?

I have other friends who are going through changes where the people around them don't want to accept the new person they are becoming. That's even tougher because sometimes if people can't accept us for who we are becoming, we run the risk of second guessing change and going back to who we once were. I get sad sometimes when I see a friend of mine striking out on their own and claiming a certain independence, only to be influenced by the judgment of others. I wish there was a way to make them see that those voices don't matter, but I've been there. I know what it's like to let the weight of other voices hold me down. It would be hypocritical to say I'm cured because I know I am not, even if I'm getting much better at handling the pressure.

I still feel that pressure, and sometimes I have to remind myself that the direction I've chosen is ultimately for the better. I can't change the fact that despite whatever I choose for myself, people are going to see me the way they want to see me. Some of them will refuse to see me as anything else. I have to accept this and realize I can only change me, not others... but I also have to stay determined and focused, to not let this deter me from what I want in life. Change is necessary. It might not be easy, but what in life is?

So, change will happen, again and again. Big changes, little ones. Sacrifices might be made. Friendships may evolve - or fade altogether. When we decide who we are to become, we do this for ourselves. We don't base our decisions on what will benefit everyone around us because ultimately that isn't fair to ourselves. And that's okay. Listening to what you want and allowing yourself to grow is an important step in growing up. And as old as we become, there is always room to grow.

shaking the globe

An old diary entry that fits just as much now as it did then:

There's a bit of a snow globe effect on my life at the moment. For a while, it was all there resting peacefully, and then I decided to just pick it up and shake it, just to watch the pieces stir about for a bit. I can feel everything finding its place, the picture looking similar to what it used to look like, but still slightly different than before the commotion. It's good to find the calm again.